I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
