So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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