Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
