It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
