i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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