Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
