I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
