rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
