i love accidental penises.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
