she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
People in love make me want to vomit
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
