I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
