So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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