Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
