actually, I'm a sock model
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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