He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
