if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
