Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
