He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
