I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
