I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
