Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
