Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
