I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
