her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
they're like a gay fantastic four
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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