I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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