i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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