i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
