They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
