I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
