you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
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