i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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