I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is Oprah even human
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
