I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
