i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
sex in a hospital.. check
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
