he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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