I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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