I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
