She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
