My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
