My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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