He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
