he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
