Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
