Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
