i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
