She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
