she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
