Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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