Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
