I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
